Some women have the looks of a goddess and a body that God himself would kill his own son (again), and neglect to resurrect him, to get to. You think WOW-zer, what I wouldn't do to get her between the sheets. You'd skin your own mother to spend a night with them. But what if they have a stupid name, a name so profoundly foolish, so utterly laughable they make Bond girls' names look like the work of a satirist who'd make Peter Cook weep with shameful inadequacy.

A name so ridiculous that if you had to shout it during intercourse you would need to commit hara-kiri afterwards to maintain your family's honour.

Well these women have those names, so be aware. Or change your name to something dumb like Bartlet Angerchase or Google Filter.

I don't know if anybody knew, but Christmas is approaching. I know, hasn't the year gone quickly, blah, blah, blah...If you're not feeling the Xmas love, then laugh at these ridiculous album covers which range from the creepy to the surreal to the daft.

This is one record collection you won't be showing off to your mates, or taking with you to the club to drop bombs on the dance floor. These are the sort of records that lurk in your granddad's collection or you find in a charity shop in some forgotten town in the middle of nowhere, collecting dust behind those board games that have all the pieces missing except some dice.

There's more bad hair on these album covers than at a reunion of 1980s heavy metal bands. It's like if Mötley Crüe met Status Quo and their genes fused to create some hybrid hair monsters. But Christmas albums are all about cheese, bad hair, even worse clothes (think synthetic polymers designed by a blind spastic with epilepsy) and bands that you've never heard of who look like they've just crawled out of a 1970s prison for child molesters.

There's something undeniably naff about them, but that's what makes them such fun to look at.